Yesterday I was looking for a pair of jeans to wear and went to a former favorite.

Let’s just say I couldn’t even squat to loosen them up.

That is to say, the jeans were so. tight.  When your work uniform requires that you wear pants with an elastic waist band (scrubs) 5 days a week, there is no other definitive moment that proves the sneaking suspicion of the expanding waistline.

The combination of not running, not exercising regularly, and not eating well has put me in that category of “letting one’s self go.”

I’m smarter than that though.  And now it’s time to let go of the pause button and move.  Move on, move forward, just move.

It all sounds so trite, I know.  But for now, this is it.

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Is there anybody out there?

Smokes Galore!  It’s been well over a year since last logging in…and once again, time seems to be the omnipresent enemy.

There’s so much I should be doing right now:  reading and sorting journal articles for a work project.  getting the house in order.  carefully reading a work email.  Going for a run.  Planning Colette’s 2nd birthday.

2nd birthday you say?  How did that happen?

At nearly 2 she’s becoming quite the fun little chica.  “Mommy, COME!”  “Sit on bottom!”  “Oh shoot!”(oops…better than a choice 4 letter word I suppose).  “Read books”  (not sure if she’s asking or demanding…)  Yesterday she was playing with my hair and pretending to wash my face.  Today she was whisking crayons while I cooked dinner.

It’s been an interesting 33 months (9 months + 2 years).  School while pregnant.  Working on school work while in the hospital with the baby.  Focusing on school work with a baby.  Moving.  Then finding work in a field and job that I never thought would ever materialize.

The job.  It’s a steep learning curve: partly because I’m new to the role, partly because of the dynamics at the hospital.  Despite going to school for the exact job I applied for, I never adequately prepared myself to work in a position that was so close-and in some ways so far away- from senior leadership.  It’s frustrating and fascinating all at the same time.

More on all that another time….it’s laundry time.

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Rain Rain…

It’s another rainy day.  With all the rain we’ve been getting you would think we lived in either seattle or in the tropics going through a tropical depression.  Sans wind….and palm trees and you know…TROPICAL PIZAZZ…which is a nice segue to the next thought.

It’s also cold out.  Cold, dreary, rain.  Mood wise it’s a fine line between depressed, low, and gray vs. mellow, cozy, jazzy, coffee house (trying on the latter for size today).

Better keep the coffee flowing.


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Every time I log into wordpress, I think, “now what?”

I’m beginning to think the blank screen is resembling my mind.  

Or maybe it’s just mocking me.

Either way,  I wish it would motivate.  

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18 Days

In the next 18 days I need to…

  • complete 60 hours of clinical
  • complete 6 clinical reflection logs
  • get my hair cut
  • participate (twice) in the online class discussion board
  • complete a 6-8 page paper on a needs based assessment and education project with presentation
  • get ready for the movers
  • have the house packed up
  • participate in an hour long web-based class discussion chat (oh, and read the two corresponding articles)
  • complete a peer assessment/critique of the discussion chat
  • have the house packed onto the truck
  • try and reschedule Colette’s pediatrician appointment, otherwise, I’ll possibly miss the movers moving us into the new place
  • did I mention that I have to move into the new place?  we still don’t know if we’ll have a direct delivery yet!
  • return to philadelphia for the last day of class/presentation
  • find my sanity
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Three Months

The last three months have been a whirlwind to say the least.  

Where to start?  Back in January I was getting ready to have a baby…which I did, on January 16th.  It was a planned C-Section that quickly became emergent, and I was glad the physicians were there and I was literally on the OR table when everything happened.  Nobody’s 100% sure why it happened, but my placenta abrupted, BP dropped drastically, baby’s heart rate dropped precipitously (I never heard it on the machine…hey, I’m a nurse, I was a bit more aware of everything going on than I would have liked).  Baby was a little limp, a little quiet, a little blue….but within minutes she was screaming and things were finally beginning to calm down a bit.  

Recovery was not nearly as bad as I imagined it might have been.  I do wish someone would have warned me about the entire business of ‘milk coming in’ and engorgement.  I woke up wondering if I had received plastic surgery (and again wondering how people can voluntary lay themselves on an OR table for vanity-especially for boobs).

During my hospital stay I had the baby on one side, hospital paperwork on the other, and journal articles for school in front of me.  That’s the kind of semester it’s been.  There was no room or time to fall behind, even though I often felt like I was playing catch up and barely surviving the semester.  10 days after surgery I had to attend one class (which I can’t believe the professors were so adamant about me attending).  4 weeks out of surgery I was back in class and starting my clinical rotation.  

There were papers to write, a research poster to develop, so many readings, lectures to learn and understand, a pilot certification exam to take, projects galore, videos to watch…it never ended.

But it will soon!

My last day of class for the semester is this Tuesday.  I am essentially done with all exams and class work right now.  

Sort of….

Since I started clinical 4 weeks late (missing 8 days or 80 hours worth), I will continue going to clinical and writing tedious and time consuming reflection logs over the break.  

And…my research poster somehow was selected to be displayed at a critical care research dinner, which means I need to tweak the poster and reread the articles/studies described in my poster.  And I have to attend the dinner.  The whole thing scares me because I’m convinced they didn’t mean to pick my poster.  

The one thing I haven’t been able to do is meet up with friends or go running or go to the gym.    I was able to do so up until spring break, but then everything started tumbling out of control.  I’m hoping that this week I’ll be able to start running again though and hopefully begin to feel a little more comfortable in my skin (and clothes).

On top of school and baby, we received our orders and have been trying to find a house.  I’m not sure where we’re going wrong, but apparently buying a house in cash and/or waiving appraisals is en vouge right now.  In other words, we’re borderline homeless.  

It’s a lot on my plate, and I don’t necessarily recommend doing everything at once (although trust me, it’s not everything…where is the running??? the exercising???  the socializing???  Those three things are my personal glue!).  My mom has been living with us, helping us out tremendously and we couldn’t do any of this without her.  I owe both my mom and dad the biggest THANK YOU for getting me through this time.  

Oh wait…were you wanting to know about Colette Emmeline??  She is wonderful.  A happy baby who smiles a lot, babbles when she wants, and holds her head up high when we hold her.  She hates tummy time, but loves sleeping on her stomach in the crib (which thankfully the doc has given us the OK).  Yesterday she finally got her ears pierced and was quite the trooper.  She loves to go out, and gets wide eyed when we put her in the car seat.  I love the life & light I see in her eyes….she always seems aware of what’s going on around her. 

I can’t wait to hear her laugh and actually talk….something tells me I have a ways to go…

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Incredibly anxious and curious to see and meet this baby.

Sorry and scared that during this pregnancy I ate too much sugar, drank too much tea, drank too much decaf, took that one tylenol, had too many severe headaches, got my heart rate up too high at the gym, took my prenatal vitamin a few hours after dinner instead of with dinner, ate too many carbs, ate too much fish, got sick just days after working…and just days after being conceived, drank all that beer and wine (not that I even knew about those rapidly dividing cells overtaking my uterus).

I knew better. I should have tried to keep running, gone to the gym a little bit more, and most certainly should have snacked on more fruits and vegetables, and way less ice cream.

Smothered in guilt and she’s not even here yet.

don’t know how I’m going to give the care and love she deserves, but she’ll get it in such sweetly, concentrated doses.  I’ve only been to one class this semester, and I can’t fathom how I’m going to get through the semester in one piece.  I can’t fathom how to give you the attention you deserve,  but we’re going to get through it.

We might read more journals about cardiology and patient safety than Eric Carle books, but we’ll get through this.

Ready or not….let’s roll!

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